Nordheim: RapThor album review

A typical personal intro story that doesn't mean shit for the review, so if You like being bored then read this shit, if not then skip for the main juice. Or just fuck this review, listen to the awesome music instead and do something better with Your life.
A decade ago I was a dedicated Finntroll fan, the first folk metal band I heard. After Ur Jordens Up I didn't really like the darker tone of the album and longed for less serious, more energetic folk metal.

Then the Trollfest came up, with drunk as fuck albums that didn't take anything seriously, with low quality production that fits extreme folk bands as much as it fits classic black metal stuff. And I loved it, they were instantly in my top 5 bands and I was their fan for 10 years before during Masters of Rock 2017 I parted ways with them. The last 2 Trollfest albums were definitely not for me, not  goofy enough, not extreme enough, not badly produced enough.

But just as Trollfest came to me as a messiah when Fintroll wasn't good enough for me this time Nordheim came up with their second album Refill, literally refilling my life with joy and raw, extreme pagan/folk music about drinking beer and fucking whores. The best part? These guys ain't even from Norway or Finland, these are Canadians. Canadians playing a better extreme folk metal than many other groups, the apocalypse is near!

This is their newest shit, RapThor, with an amazing cover art showing goblins and hoes drinking with guns while riding a dinosaur. We're in for a ride with this one.

Troll Riding a Raptor is straight to the point with the song title and the intro. Roll the dice and relax with the extreme tempo, brain bashing drums and classic "1997 Finntroll" guitars. I'm worried about other songs, because everything Nordheim is known for is already here, no healthy dosage just a supersize meal composed of alcohol, whores, goblins, guns and dinosaurs. What's left?

Shivering fear until the break od dawn

Cause the warrior's heart is as black as a moonless night

Ending on a such poetic note <3

Boobs and Bacon , YES! This is what I wanted to see after getting a taste from the album opener. Tempo doesn't slow down but the guitars leave some room for headbanging and the choir bridge gives some sing-along potential for future shows. Second song and I haven't heard even a bit of bass guitar, that means the wall of sound is so overwhelming or the production so raw that I'm going deaf, exactly what I wanted to hear from this band.

No need to be afraid

Fueled by bacon we can't die

Scroll of the Lightning Bolt sounds way more serious not only in the title but..

To kill a beast with claws bigger than a monster cock

ok, maybe not way more serious, but it's a slightly longer piece with more orchestrations, slower parts to catch a breath and an epic story about a group of adventurers facing a dragonlord, with their hopes put in a scroll of the lightning bolt. There's even a guitar solo in there somewhere and some choirs, so we're very close to power metal here, minus all the gay of course, this is music for manly men, rolling dices and talking about their elf warriors..Wait.

Black Witch Rises is next, starting slower but soon coming back into standard tempo, and here we abandon all the power metal stuff to focus on something more fitting the extreme tempo and growls- a horror story of the witch plans, cutting off limbs, spreading suffering and diseases to the world. A serious piece to show the world that Nordheim might be fun, but they are still capable of writing some darker and more serious stuff.

Thrills and chills to the sound of pain, none shall witness joy UNDER MY REIGN

I Wish You Were Beer on the other hand.. The title says it all. Nothing I can add to a hymn of folk metal. Reminded me of a conversation I had long ago.

- ... but  she doesn't like folk metal much.

- does she drink alcohol?

- no.

- then I'm not surprised.

Fighting naked while we pee, throwing bitches in the sea 

Cheering, laighing endlessly, that's a life for me

Strenght Became The Storm (love the error in a song title, these are rare) is similar to the Scroll of Lightning Bolt but sadly doesn't show anything new to the mix, it's mostly "more of the same", the lyrics also are a bit generic with a champion of light fighting a demon, I only like the ending part:

In the name of those who will fall

We drink to remember them all

Raise your horn and your sword

Among the stars they will hear our call

Blood's Shade is more interesting starting with a guitar solo, reminding me of the great Soulblood. The song definitely has a similar horror feel to the Black Witch Rises, but it's more powerful and has more tempo changes and guitar solos with a calm outro. Definitely the most melodic death-ish song on the album, serious in tone but interesting. Would be a great album outro, but we still have one more left.

Blood's shade now wakes up the past I long forgot

Blood's shade now devours and leaves the rest to rot

Dragonthorn is the longest on the album, but the major tempo and mood change in the middle doesn't make it feel as long. Serious again with one funny and stressed line:

A magical steel made by frozen flames

FROZEN FLAMES

it tells a story of a dragon and a hero fighting and so on. While the song isn't bad I was hoping for a story including the dinosaur riding goblins with guys, especially when the tone of the song changed. A missed opportunity.

And that's Nordheim's RapThor, Thor not included (sadly). It's a good album to listen to while drunk, but I expected way more goofyness from it. There is some of course, but it's more like "hey, boobs and bacon! Do we have Your attention? Ok, now listen to a story about dragons". Nordheim can do serious songs well but I love them the most in the less serious songs. 

I want more of this ^. I want Josephine next to Thor riding a dinosaur fighting a dragon with a blade made by frozen flames. FROZEN FLAMES. Is it a sin to want more?

But I'll give them that- the lyrics are good, the music is flawless old school pagan/folk extreme metal with great high pitched and low growls, cool guitar solos and no signs of bass guitar. Basically I have to love it by default. Also some melodic death metal added to the mix, always cool.

There is one thing that makes it ten thousand times better than the last Wintersun album- energy. This album makes you so pumped that You want to punch the wall or tear your neck while headbanging. And if you don't like extreme folk metal then this "noise" makes you angry, so also full of energy - point proven. In that regard these guys are Kalmah of the folk metal world.

Check this out if You like boobs, dinosaurs and dungeons and dragons and power metal just doesn't do it for You anymore.

Summary:

Vocals: 10/10

Guitars: 9/10

Bass: Josephine/10

Drums: 8/10

Keyboards: wait, there are keyboards in it?

Additional:

+ Wonderful cover art

+ Very cool lyrics

+ Boobs

+ Bacon

+ Dinosaurs

- Not enough boobs

- Not enough bacon (NEVER enough)

- Not enough dinosaurs

- Josephine ;__; Where is she?

Total score that totally matters: 93% 

Please add more stupid shit next time, it's the most fun

Fucking boring. Wintersun "Forest Seasons" review

better than the original artwork.

A new Wintersun album, band that started legendary and then fell into the dark slumber. Will this album be able to get them back to Melodic death metal world? Or just kill the whole thing before Time II will be finished?

Shitty, plastic artwork and the fact that unlike Time II we didn't hear about this album being made until late this year are worrying, it looks like something Jari did in his free time in his basement that they have to sell to Nuclear Blast so NB won't kick their asses out. But open-minded and with tiny bit of hope I sit down with best quality master wav files and good headphones, let's take a look.

Awaken From The Dark Slumber

It starts with some atmospherical intro with candy-like  Time 1 soft orchestrations

then drums hit it along with some really crappy black metal guitars with various synths in the background. It stays for a long time, too long for me and I like to watch or listen to some 10 hour version videos so it says a lot.
Vocals hit it with decent power and spelling, Jari got even better than on Time 1.
The background for vocals is much richer with guitars.
Considering how long and boring this song it's definitely black metal done wrong.

IT'S SO FUCKING BORING.

After a while it sounds like the background on equilibrium live shows with bad audio setting: plastic, loud and out of place.

And now more distorted black metal guitar, great.
And now a long, boring part where nothing interesting happens.

WHY SO LONG, WHY SO BORING? Were You ever bored on the first album?
Or Time 1? Yes Jari, play live a song where part 1 and 2 of the song are divided by boring instrumental part that last hours.
At least the vocals are good.

Overall not much happens, the guitars and drums are boring, Jari tries to tell the story and add some typical live sing along stuff and it doesn't really work, they come around 9th minute and the audience should already be asleep at this point.

Some of it reminds me of Winter's Gate, so if You somehow like this track please check out last Insomnium's album if You havent.

The song is Starchild with less fancy build, add the boring, stretched parts of Beautiful Death to it and copy paste instrumental parts to fill 12 minutes with it.

The vocals are great, lyrics are some pointless crap like on Sons of Winter and Stars, but there are no fancy drums or guitars or bass. It's all closer to black metal than ever before which I guess justifies why this music is so fucking long, boring and nothing memorable happens. The melody's pretty dull too.

The Forest That Weeps

"I am the worms in the dirt"

...You mean Wintersun fans?

Intro slightly more interesting than in the previous song but also stretched to the point of yawning.
Guitars still sound like black metal rhythm guitar with broken amplifier and a few strings missing
And vocals fail to appear in over 2 minutes.

After a verse of again good vocals the "epic riff" happens and still sounds fucking dull, just as on the video. Thankfully the choirs with Jari that follow are pretty good.
Lyrics are also a bit more interesting than before, maybe because the whole music has a much better melody than the previous track.
I wonder if Kai didn't asleep when recording drums, this sounds really boring. Maybe playing in Nightwish helps to cope with boring drum parts.

Uh oh, I thought that the song ended and it's around half. Boring instrumental part time!

At least after some repeating of some melody the guitars hit it hard and finally doesn't sound like shit.
But no solo happens, fuck solos. It's only Jari Maenpaa, one of previously best guitarists I knew.
And now you made me hate that guitars joined the instrumental part, because it's wide, it's stretched, it got boring after 30 seconds.
Some turisas-ish outro joins with badly mixed volume (way too loud than the rest) and good choirs that follow.

Why does it have to be that long? Sons of Winter and Stars were long, but they were packed with lyrics, memorable moments, walls of sound. This just doesn't work, the song is as long but has around 2 times less lyrics so it has to either repeat some parts to the point where the listener is bored or stretch out every element adding some extra seconds to parts that start good and interesting, but then get fucking boring.
Unlike the previous song this one has some more redeeming parts, it could be a good song if it was max 8 minutes long..
I bet there is nothing to discover here after multiple listens, on the first listen You can see the whole image and structure.

Eternal Darkness

Another stretched intro, this time less interesting with even more obnoxious black metal guitar
 (amps on fire, amps on fire, hurting ears with desire!)

I think Jukka is snoring or burping on the intro, not surprising

Enter the washing machine drums, later lyrics and some sounds in the background that are barely audible.
Remember when we all said that Time 1 needs more solos? Jari didn't, there are no solos so far and close to no riffs.
BORING AND STRETCHED, BORING AND STRETCHED. I'M DONE

Vocals: 10/10
Guitars: 2/10
Bass:   -1/10
Drums:   2/10

Additional score:
+ Choirs and vocal mixing is good
- style shift to boring as fuck black metal
- I didn't pay for it and I feel robbed, mostly of time
= I had low expectations from a rushed album like that but it's worse than I thought. I thought
a perfectionist like Jari wouldn't release something that fucking boring.
Wanna do atmospherical metal? Check out Swallow The Sun. Check out Insomnium. Wanna add some good black metal stuff to melodic death? Check out Whispered.
- overhyped beyond reason by both the band and the fans.

Total score: 25%. I wasn't able to finish listening it, I was bored beyond reason. Wintersun can always make me feel something new and unexpected and they didn't fail. It was the first time I got so bored while listening to something Jari made.

This review was crap, but You know what? Listening to low quality music doesn't make me wanna try hard and be a good reviewer.

List of albums I have, 2017 version

I need a list so I remember what I have and some of my friends need this to know what can they buy me as a gift

Aephanemer- Know Thyself (EP, signed)
Aephanemer- Memento Mori (digipack)
Alestorm- Captain's Morgan Revenge (jewelcase, my sister's actually)
Alestorm- Leviathan (EP, jewelcase)
Alestorm- Black Sails At Midnight (digipack)
Alestorm- Back Through Time (digipack)
Alestorm- Live At The End Of The World (live dvd, signed)
Alestorm- Sunset On The Golden Age (digipack)
Alestorm- No Grave But The Sea (digipack)

Amon Amarth- With Oden On Our Side (jewelcase, signed)

Apocalyptica- 7th Symphony (digipack)
Avatar- Feathers & Flesh (digipack)

Babymetal- Babymetal (limited japanese version, jewelcase)
Babymetal- Metal resistance (european version, jewelcase)
Battle Beast- Unholy Savior (digipack, signed)
Behemoth- Evangelion (digipack)
Black Sabbath- Never Say Die (live dvd)
Blind Guardian- Somewhere Far Beyond (jewelcase)
Blind Guardian- Beyond The Red Mirror (jewelcase)

Cain's Offering- Gather The Faithful (European Version, jewelcase)
Cain's Offering- Gather The Faithful (Japanese Version, jewelcase)
Cain's Offering- Stormcrow (Japanese Version, signed jewelcase)
Charon- Sorrowburn (jewelcase)
Children of Boredom- Halo Of Blood (digipack)

Delain- Lucidity (jewelcase)
Delain- Lucidity (10th anniversary digipack)
Delain- April Rain (digipack)
Delain- Get The Devil Out Of Me (single)
Delain- We Are The Others (digipack)
Delain- Interlude (EP, digipack)
Delain- The Human Contradiction (digipack, signed)
Delain- Lunar Prelude (EP, digipack, signed)
Delain- Moonbathers (digipack, signed)
Dio- Holy Diver (jewelcase)
Dio- The Last In Line (jewelcase)
Dio- Sacred Heart (jewelcase)
Dio- Dream Evil (jewelcase)
Dio- Lock Up The Wolves (jewelcase)
Dio- Evil or Devine (live dvd)
Dio- Angry Machines (russian pirated copy with Elf album, jewelcase)
Dio- Killing The Dragon (2 in 1 jewelcase)
Dio- Magicka (2 i 1 jewelcase)
Dio- Master Of The Moon (jewelcase)
Dreamshade- The Gift Of Life (jewelcase, signed)
Dreamshade- Vibrant (jewelcase)
Dragonforce- The Power Within (jewelcase, signed)
Dragonforce- Maximum Overload (digipack)
Dragonforce- In The Line Of Fire (digipack, live cd&dvd)
Dragonforce- In The Line Of Fire (dvd, live dvd. Bought it twice because I'm retarded)
Dragonforce- Reaching Into Infinity (digipack)

Edguy- Tinnitus Sanctus (jewelcase)

Enceladus- Time In A Dream (single, signed)
Enceladus- Journey To Enlightenment (jewelcase, signed)
Epica- Requiem For The Indifferent (digipack)
Equilibrium- Armageddon (digipack)

Finntroll- Blodsvept (digipack)
Freedom Call- Eternity (digipack)

Galneryus- The Flag Of Punishment (slipcase)
Galneryus- Advance To The Fall (slipcase)
Galneryus- Live For Rebirth (live dvd)
Galneryus- Alsatia (single)
Galneryus- Kizuna (EP)
Galneryus- Hunting For Your Dream (Type B, single)
Galneryus- Attitude To Life (single)

Gamma Ray- Empire Of The Undead (jewelcase)
Gloryhammer- Tales From The Kingdom Of Fife (digipack)
Gloryhammer- Space 1992: Rise Of The Chaos Wizards (digipack, signed)

Grai- Warmot the Bitter Glass (digipack)
Grai- O Zemle Rodnoy (digipack)
Grai- Mlada (digipack)

Gunsen- Adventure On The Devil's Note (digipack, signed)

Hammerfall- Threshold (digipack)
Hammerfall- Steel Meets Steel (compilation, digipack)
Hammerfall- Infected (digipack)
Hammerfall- Gates Of Dalhalla (live bluray&cd)
Hammerfall- (r)Evolution (digipack)
Heaven & Hell- The Devil You Know (jewelcase)
Heaven & Hell- Radio City Live Music Hall (live dvd)

Helloween- Keeper Of The Seven Keys Part I (digipack)
Helloween- Keeper Of The Seven Keys Part II (digipack)
Helloween- 7 Sinners (digipack)
Helloween- Unarmed (jewelcase)
Helloween- Straight Out Of Hell (digipack)
Helloween- My God Given Right (digipack)

Insomnium- One For Sorrow (slipcase, signed)
Insomnium- Shadows Of The Dying Sun (digipack)

Kabanos- Na Pudle (digipack, signed)

Kalmah- Swamplord (2 in 1 jewelcase)
Kalmah- They Will Return (2 in 1 jewelcase)
Kalmah- Seventh Swamphony (digipack)
King Diamond- Abigail II: The Revenge (jewelcase)
King Diamond- Fatal Portrait (5 in 1 digipack)
King Diamond- Abigail (5 in 1 digipack)
King Diamond- Them (5 in 1 digipack)
King Diamond- Conspiracy (5 in 1 digipack)
King Diamond- The Eye (5 in 1 digipack)

Korpiklaani- Manala (digipack, signed)
Korpiklaani- Noita  (digipack)
Kotipelto- Serenity (Digipack)
Kotipelto&Liimatainen- Blackoustic (Digipack, signed)

Led Zeppelin- The Song Remains The Same (live dvd)

Lux Perpetua- The Curse Of The Iron King (digipack, signed)

Nightwish- Elan (single, digipack)
Nightwish- Imaginaerum (digipack)
Nightwish- Endless Forms Most Beautiful (digipack)
Nordheim- Refill (jewelcase)
Norther- Circle Regenerated (digipack)

Omnium Gatherum- Steal The Light (demo ep, 2 in 1 digipack)
Omnium Gatherum- Spirits And August Light (2 in 1 digipack)
Omnium Gatherum- Beyond (jewelcase)
Omnium Gatherum- Grey Heavens (jewelcase, signed)
One Punch Man- One Take Man (original soundtrack, jewelcase)
Orca- Aquarium (single)
Orca- Amber (single)
Orca- Universe (digipack, signed)
Ozzy Osbourne- Speak Of The Devil (live cd, jewelcase)
Ozzy Osbourne- Scream (eco digipack)

Pathfinder- Demo 2008 The Beginning (need to return it)
Pathfinder- Beyond The Space, Beyond The Time (jewelcase)
Pathfinder- Fifth Element (Japanese version, jewelcase)
Pathfinder- Fifth Element (European version, digipack)
Percival Schuttenbach- Svantevit (digipack, signed)
Percival Schuttenbach- Mniejsze Zło (digipack)
Persefone- Shin-Ken (jewelcase)
Persefone- Aathma (digipack)
Powerwolf- Return In Bloodred (jewelcase)
Powerwolf- Lupus Dei (jewelcase)
Powerwolf- Blood Of The Saints (jewelcase)
Powerwolf- Wolfsnachte 2015 Tour EP (jewelcase)
Powerwolf- Preachers of The Night (digipack, signed)
Powerwolf- Blessed&Possessed (jewelcase)
Powerwolf- The Metal Mass Live (live bluray & cd)

Radogost- Dark Side Of The Forest (digipack, signed)

Silent Hell- Drama (digibook, signed)
Sinatra Frank- Best Of (jewelcase)
Skalmold- Baldur (jewelcase)
Skalmold- Born Loka (digipack, signed)
Skalmold & Sinfoniu-Hljomsveit Islands (live dvd)
Skalmold- Med Vaetum (digipack, signed)
Skalmold- Vogguvisur Yggdrasils (digipack)

Sonata Arctica- Ecliptica (jewelcase)
Sonata Arctica- Silence (jewelcase)
Sonata Arctica- Songs of Silence Live in Tokyo (live cd, jewelcase)
Sonata Arctica- Winterheart's Guild (Japanese version, jewelcase)
Sonata Arctica- Takatalvi (EP, jewelcase)
Sonata Arctica- Don't Say A Word (single, jewelcase)
Sonata Arctica- Reckoning Night (jewelcase)
Sonata Arctica- For The Sake of Revenge (live dvd/cd, jewelcase)
Sonata Arctica- Unia (European Digipack)
Sonata Arctica- The Days of Grays (European Digipack, signed)
Sonata Arctica- Live in Finland (live dvd)
Sonata Arctica- I Have A Right (single, signed digipack)
Sonata Arctica- Stones Grow Her Name (European Digibook)
Sonata Arctica- Pariah Child (European Digipack)
Sonata Arctica- Ecliptica Revisited (European Digipack)
Sonata Arctica- The Ninth Hour (European Digipack)
Sonus Vena- Sonus Vena (?, signed)
Starkill- Fires Of Life (jewelcase, signed)
Stratovarius- Infinite (2 in 1 digipack)
Stratovarius- Intermission (EP, 2 in 1 digipack)
Stratovarius- Elements Part I  (Digipack)
Stratovarius- Elements Part II (Digipack)
Stratovarius- Polaris (Limited Digipack)
Stratovarius- Elysium (Holo Digipack)
Stratovarius- Under Flaming Winter Skies (live bluray)
Stratovarius- Unbreakable (EP, digipack)
Stratovarius- Nemesis (Digipack)
Stratovarius- Eternal (Digipack, signed)
Sunrise- Through The Eyes Of Infinity (live dvd)
Swallow The Sun- Emerald Forest And The Blackbird (jewelcase)
Swallow The Sun- Songs From The North Part I (3 in 1 digipack)
Swallow The Sun- Songs From The North Part II (3 in 1 digipack)
Swallow The Sun- Songs From The North Part III (3 in 1 digipack)

Tarot- The Spell Of Iron MMXI (slipcase)
Tenacious D- Tenacious D (jewelcase, co-owned)
Tenacious D- The Pick Of Destiny (jewelcase, co-owned)
Tenacious D- Rize Of The Phoenix (digipack, co-owned)
Therion- Theli (jewelcase)
Therion- Garden Of Evil (live dvd, digipack, signed)
Thermit- Saints (digishit, signed, I can give this shit away)
Titanium- Titanium (Japanese version, jewelcase)
Titanium- Atomic Number 22 (Japanese version, jewelcase)
Trollfest- Willkommen Folk Tell Drekka Fest (jewelcase)
Trollfest- Brakebein (digipack)
Trollfest- Uraltes Elemente (EP, jewelcase)
Trollfest- Villanden (jewelcase)
Trollfest- En Kvest For Den Hellige Gral (digipack, signed)
Trollfest- Brumblebassen (digipack)
Trollfest- Kaptein Kaos (digipack)
Trollfest- Helluva (digipack)
Turisas- Battle Metal (jewelcase)
Turisas- Stand Up And Fight (digipack)
Turisas- A Finnish Summer With Turisas (live dvd)
Turisas- Turisas2013 (digipack)
Twilight Force- Tales Of Ancient Prophecies (jewelcase, signed)

Unisonic- Ignition (EP, digipack)
Unisonic- Light Of Dawn (jewelcase)

Whispered- Thousand Swords (jewelcase)
Whispered- Shogunate Macabre (jewelcase)
Whispered- Metsutan (jewelcase)
Wintersun- Wintersun (jewelcase)
Wintersun- Time I (digipack, signed)
Wolf Spider- It's Your Time (single/EP, signed)

Summary: 203 albums total, about 50 less than I thought I have (well, I gave away over 50)

Others:

Downloaded for money:
TrollfesT- Villanden (before I bought a physical cd)
Enceladus- Time In A Dream (single, bought a physical signed copy too)
Sydanpuu- Majla single (single, download only)

given away:
multiple Aephanemer, Titanium, Pathfinder, Enceladus and Gunsen albums
Rhapsody Of Fire- The Frozen Tears Of Angels (digipack)
Rhapsody Of Fire- From Chaos To Eternity (digipack)
Korpiklaani- Ukon Wacka (jewelcase)
Apocalyptica- 7th Symphony (eco digipack)
Pathfinder- Beyond The Space, Beyond The Time (digipack)
Nine Inch Nails- WITH_TEETH (digipack)
Dio- Dream Evil (limited jewelcase)
Behemoth- Evangelion (digipack)
Insomnium- The Shadows Of The Dying Sun (jewelcase)
Insomnium- Winter's Gate (limited audiobook version)
Internal Quiet- When The Rain Comes Down (slipcase, horrible piece of shit)

Thrown away or destroyed because they suck ass:

Bartosz Ogrodowicz- Forsaken (jewelcase piece of shit)
Amon Sethis- The Legend Of The Seventh Dynasty (EP, jewelcase piece of shit, signed)
Wolf Spider- V (digipack piece of shit)